What used to be funny sarcasm is now just plain negative.

I find myself thinking of career changes a lot lately. Weighing my options...

There's so much I want to do. Start my own business, that's the main thing, what that will be is not too sure, yet but there's so many things still that I would love to have a crack at. I wanna write a book, I want to paint, I want my wee cafe, I want my lodge, I want to design clothes...I want a lot. I still love cooking and being a chef, but once you have children, your career opportunities shrivel and you hold onto a job rather than climb the career ladder. I know it's up to me really, but when I decided to have a child I chose to be a mother, so if the choice I have to make is between spending time with my child and working 70 hours a week and days off for free in a michellin star restaurant to get ahead, which is what you have to do if you want to work for the best and be the best. So I chose to work 50 hours a week and stay in the same position I've been in for 3 years so I can go home and be a mother. Which probably the main reason I'm not happy any more. I know that what I do now is a job, not a career, because I'm not getting ahead. Sad as it is, at the moment I will always be the runner up even with a person of equal strenght and ability only because the other person is a single person who has no commitments. I might be more reliable, even better at what i do, but I'll most likely come second, because I will always chose family over work. I'm not bitter about this, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I now realize more than ever that if I ever want to get ahead it'll have to be working for myself.

I think this is the reason I have been depressed lately. I constantly find myself feeling guilty about everything. About working so much, about not spending enough time home, about not spending enough time with my husband, about not seing my friends, about not working as much as everyone else in the kitchen...The funny thing is, no one else is putting (knowingly) pressure on me about these things, but I still feel it all the time. I wasn't prepared for that when becoming a mother. My normal day starts around 8 -8.30 am, on a good day. I get up get the baby fed and changed and pack her bag and get her sent off to nana's for the day. I quickly get myself ready and walk to work. I work without breaks til 10-11 pm. I get home and do bits and bobs for the next day, have a shower and get to bed about 1 am. On good nights I get to sleep non-stop til about 7 or 8, on bad nights i get up for the baby between 1-3 times. the next day I do it all again. On the days I work I get to see my child approximately 30 minutes -1 hour a day. On my days off I get up the same as usual. we have breakfast together and get dressed. I have to do most of the house work these days including shopping and cooking for the next week as there's no time on work days. So normally we would go shopping for food, maybe meet a friend for coffee and a play in the park, go home, clean and cook, bathe the baby and put her to bed and get on with the house work or some times treat myself to a workout session. I no longer have time for the gym so I'm quitting my membership this month. This isn't me saying look how much I do, feel sorry for me , it's really just me saying to myself, stop feeling guilty, you're doing as much as you can. I have lazy days as well when we mostly stay in jammies and watch films and play, but you can never be too lazy with a 20 month old, they are pretty active little buggers.

Mainly what I'm upset about is that i used to always be known as the funny one and care-free and easy going, just generally a laugh to be around, and lately I'm so stressed all the time that I barely have a sense of humour anymore. I need to get in touch with that person again. I think I need to start writing a sister blog to this one, a funny, life loving one, this can be my moan page... It's all I find myself doing lately. I'm fairly sure I started this post on a slightly higher more optimistic note and somewhere along the line got to whinging again. Get a life you moany little creature!