New leaf.

I'm breaking the silence again.

I haven't written anything for a while, since my last attempt was so poorly and negative, I thought maybe give it a miss for a bit and concentrate on making myself happier before broadcasting my bad mood and low self-esteem to the bloggers of the world wide web.

All better now!

On holidays in snowy winter wonderful Finland!
We have been skiing, skating, sliding and swimming, all the fun things you can do in the snow, (apart from the swimming, I might be an incy bit mad , but I'm not a raving lunatic!!)

The week is rolling to an end faster than the speed of light, but we're trying to make the most of the time we have here. Some more friends to see and the rest of the time is dedicated to being silly in the snow!

I've been trying to think about which direction to take this blogging thing, I don't really have a clear picture of what I want to write about, usually it 's just random waffle about anything I might be feeling at the time, which is all well and good when it's a diary type situation, but most people who might stumble upon this probably don't know I don't currently reside in a metal asylum.

The thing is , I love fahion, I love food, I love my kid, I love my friends, and those are really the things I want to write about, but most times I end up here to moan about stuff. I think it's time create a new improved blog to go with the hopefully permanently happier and more positive me! I think so!

What used to be funny sarcasm is now just plain negative.

I find myself thinking of career changes a lot lately. Weighing my options...

There's so much I want to do. Start my own business, that's the main thing, what that will be is not too sure, yet but there's so many things still that I would love to have a crack at. I wanna write a book, I want to paint, I want my wee cafe, I want my lodge, I want to design clothes...I want a lot. I still love cooking and being a chef, but once you have children, your career opportunities shrivel and you hold onto a job rather than climb the career ladder. I know it's up to me really, but when I decided to have a child I chose to be a mother, so if the choice I have to make is between spending time with my child and working 70 hours a week and days off for free in a michellin star restaurant to get ahead, which is what you have to do if you want to work for the best and be the best. So I chose to work 50 hours a week and stay in the same position I've been in for 3 years so I can go home and be a mother. Which probably the main reason I'm not happy any more. I know that what I do now is a job, not a career, because I'm not getting ahead. Sad as it is, at the moment I will always be the runner up even with a person of equal strenght and ability only because the other person is a single person who has no commitments. I might be more reliable, even better at what i do, but I'll most likely come second, because I will always chose family over work. I'm not bitter about this, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I now realize more than ever that if I ever want to get ahead it'll have to be working for myself.

I think this is the reason I have been depressed lately. I constantly find myself feeling guilty about everything. About working so much, about not spending enough time home, about not spending enough time with my husband, about not seing my friends, about not working as much as everyone else in the kitchen...The funny thing is, no one else is putting (knowingly) pressure on me about these things, but I still feel it all the time. I wasn't prepared for that when becoming a mother. My normal day starts around 8 -8.30 am, on a good day. I get up get the baby fed and changed and pack her bag and get her sent off to nana's for the day. I quickly get myself ready and walk to work. I work without breaks til 10-11 pm. I get home and do bits and bobs for the next day, have a shower and get to bed about 1 am. On good nights I get to sleep non-stop til about 7 or 8, on bad nights i get up for the baby between 1-3 times. the next day I do it all again. On the days I work I get to see my child approximately 30 minutes -1 hour a day. On my days off I get up the same as usual. we have breakfast together and get dressed. I have to do most of the house work these days including shopping and cooking for the next week as there's no time on work days. So normally we would go shopping for food, maybe meet a friend for coffee and a play in the park, go home, clean and cook, bathe the baby and put her to bed and get on with the house work or some times treat myself to a workout session. I no longer have time for the gym so I'm quitting my membership this month. This isn't me saying look how much I do, feel sorry for me , it's really just me saying to myself, stop feeling guilty, you're doing as much as you can. I have lazy days as well when we mostly stay in jammies and watch films and play, but you can never be too lazy with a 20 month old, they are pretty active little buggers.

Mainly what I'm upset about is that i used to always be known as the funny one and care-free and easy going, just generally a laugh to be around, and lately I'm so stressed all the time that I barely have a sense of humour anymore. I need to get in touch with that person again. I think I need to start writing a sister blog to this one, a funny, life loving one, this can be my moan page... It's all I find myself doing lately. I'm fairly sure I started this post on a slightly higher more optimistic note and somewhere along the line got to whinging again. Get a life you moany little creature!

Saying goodbye.

Today I had to say goodbye to a friend. She's more than a friend. She's like a sister to me. my little Anna banana. I've never been too good with the goodbyes. Usually it's been me who is leaving, and instead of trying to find the words to say goodbye I try and sneak away without having to face the floods of tears ready to erupt. 

It's always been harder for me to get close to girls than guys. I don't really know what it is.. It's the first time since college that I've had sort of a solid group of girlfriends to go out with and share stories and giggles and Anna was my number one girl. Still is, but not seeing her every day is gonna break my heart. We shared the same sense of humor, the endless Friends references and a sense of belonging like kindred spirits. This last week we spent as much time together as possible, but it's never enough. We've only known each other for a short while, but we just clicked immediately. And the time you spend with people you love is never enough.  

I feel like all I've done these couple of months leading up to christmas is saying good bye. One after another that group of girls I've spent so many wonderful laughter filled  nights with are bidding their farewells and the group is no more.  

I feel like I'm losing my safety net and have to take to the trapeze all by myself now and if I fall there's no one to catch me. 

Oh sod it.

I'm not saying good bye. I'm saying I love you and I'll see you. Maybe not as much as I want to, but visit we will. Poxy sweden is so lucky!  I love you baby girl, so very much. It hurts to see you go, but I'm looking forward to seeing you again and again. So no more goodbyes. 

A whole big reunion is on the planning, trust me!

Disgusted!

Last week I placed myself on the computer prepared to do some serious fighting over a pair of Diesel dirty thirty Limited edition jeans! Ten o'clock the shop opened and soon as did the page start experiencing hick-ups like no other and it took me a good 30 minutes to advance on the page to get to the shop part where after 10 minutes of being thrown out the page I finally got to the pair i wanted and bagged those beauties. Pressed checkout flying high as a kite from the shopping adrenaline buzz and it read "The item you have chosen is no longer available and has been removed from your bag." I felt gutted, but excepted my failure and went about my life as before. Tonight surfing the net in boredom I thought to myself, I'll go and check ebay for the jeans if some have gotten on sale. Well over a hundred pairs came up just on the UK site!! Greedy little swines! Some of the buy it now prices were up to 170GBP!!!! What's that for an increase in the value!??? All I wanted was one pair to cherish and love forever more, but noooooo!!!!!

I know I'm sad..... In fairness, if I had the money I would've probably bought a rake of them and put them on ebay aswell. I might keep my eye out for them in case there's some going for a reasonable price. I did see some starting from the 30 quid price range, two days left in shopping time, so maybe see how it's going and place a bit if we're still on double digits. 

Oh how good it feels to dance around the house in jammies, no where to go, nothing to do. 

These are the boots can't decide between the two, all comments are very welcome!

I thought I had lost my other baby ( the macintosh) after my little duracel bunny spilled my full cup of coffee all over my keyboard, but after couple days of drying I'm back in action and no damage is done to my beloved white beauty. I was informed yesterday that the root of my rage is being sacked and will no longer be draining me of my will to live. Thank Jeeves for that! Now I just have to make my peace with the fact that we'll be getting a new head chef next week. Let's see how this goes. Hopefully this guy turns out to be ok, and not to destroy the athmosphere in work too much, I think we are all having certain reservations about him. The situation is slightly bizarre,as our chef de cuisine will still be there just as always but no there will be someone else somewhat running the kitchen. Feel a bit sorry for this guy, as initially we are all thinking that someone lost their job because of him, not just anyone either, he was with the company longer than any of us, he gave 18 years of his life to this place and now so suddenly been made redundant. Secondly, this person will be coming into a new kitchen at the busiest time of the year to work with strangers and having to get to know the kitchen and the people in it in a very short time, while having to take control of things but also work under someone else. Not easy. 

The way I see it, he might be positioned as a head chef, but he will work just as the souz-chefs. It's probably the hardest thing for our two souz-chefs as they have always been in charge of the kitchen when the executive chef is away, just as I would be incharge if they were away. Now having to take orders from someone who doesn't even know what they are doing yet. It might all go horribly wrong.  Only time will tell. 

In lighter news, I have my eyes set on a pair of knee high boots! they are gorgeous! Very expensive, but sooo pretty! Last month I was so good and shopped for nothing. I wasn't even really wanting anything. I was going from shop to shop but nothing was really tickling my fancy too much, no must have moments surfaced. This month I'm seeing so many things I want. So far I haven't gone shopping for anything for myself. Got new clothes for the babby, got her fitted for her big girl winter boots, 5 and half G she is. And got new stuff for her bedroom. I can't wait to get her room sorted out and made into a proper girlie bedroom for her! 

Anyway back to my boots! :)

This winter is gonna be so cold, you can already feel it in the air, I'm wearing mittens, hats, scarves, anything and everything to stay warm!!! Boots will be very necessary as they keep your calves warm too and you can even wear skirts without freezing to death. 

I thought I would be pretty good for a winter coat but I might need to get a thicker one as it is really really cold out!

Now back to X-factor...